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DEAR SO & SO...

We are always looking for your letters. Letters to us, letters to others, letters to everyone. Send your letters in an email to us at: tnibooks@tnibooks.com.

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Dear VW
:
8.21.04

I’d like to bring to your attention my love for the Jetta.

Me + Jetta = Love

I’d also like to bring to your attention my bank account:

$0.05

How to resolve this incongruity? I’d like to apply to be one of your consumer test drivers, whereby I would receive one of your Jetta cars at no cost to me. In exchange I would write up a storm about the performance of said vehicle from an unprofessional, so-so driver point of view. If there is no job like that, could you make
one up? I’m sure HR would be more than amenable if you asked so many times that it was easier to give me a job than continually say “no”. Though I have no money I do have a university-ish education and thusly have a fine grasp of the English language.

I’m including a picture of myself pasted into a Jetta – please note how good I look – it’s like it is meant to be. Please turn this one dimensional craft project into a three dimensional dream come true. I can’t wait to hear from you if can help me.

Thank you for your time and engineering feats.

Sincerely,
Frayn Masters

P.S. It is OK to leave the car if I’m not home.

P.S.S. I will also need vouchers (would a corporate credit card be easier?) from HR for gas and insurance.

P.S.S.S. I was sad that my computer didn't recognize "Jetta" as a real word - I mean c'mon computer. So, I dutifully and honorably added your fine and rigorously group tested car name to my personal dictionary.

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Dear University of Louisville:
5.14.04

Library Soundscape, Finals Week:

"Beat the system? Good for you."
Shoe squeak, paper flap x2
Man walking, scratching pant leg
Something crunches
Wind?
"Aww."
Computer mouse click, then double click
"Hmm."
"I'm so tired."
Something whirs
Milk frothing at coffee stand downstairs
Door slams
Backpack zipper opens
Plane overhead
"Do you need any help?"
"What are periodicals?"
"Just like ... magazines."
"What are journals?"
"Like, older ones."
Phone rings
Keyboard clicks
A woman sits down

Sincerely,
Mickey Hess

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Dear Aunt Mary
:
5.5.04

I am sorry that I made a movie of you eating dinner (without you knowing it) and titled it "Slow Death" and showed it to all of my friends. I am still proud of myself though.

Love, Catherine

and while i am at it...

Dear Mom, I never really thought that you looked like Rod Stewart. You have pretty hair. Sorry. And Iam sorry that in every magazine he was in I would cross his name out in the caption and write your name in it instead. Thank you for letting me live here for free.

Love, Catherine

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Dear Editor:
3.24.04

Here is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately:

There is First Blood, right? And, just to be clear, we are talking about the successful Sylvester Stallone film here. There is First Blood, and then, three years later, there was Rambo: First Blood Part II. It makes sense, no? These titles are clear and concise. They let us know that Rambo is the title of the second film in the First Blood series.

But this is where the logic stops.

In 1988, we were given Rambo III. This seemed to be the third installment in the First Blood series, but the title doesn't read that way. It leads us to believe that there were two prior Rambo films. When, in fact, there was only one, which happened to be the second film in the First Blood series. So this title is a mistake. It should appear as: Rambo II, First Blood Part III. This would make it accurate in relation to other two. Though I imagine this accuracy might have confused many people and cost the studio some valuable box-office money. Of course, I think Rambo III took a pretty big hit at the box office anyway. So maybe a title change would have helped . Or, they could have just made it simple and called them Rambo I, II and III, like they did with the Rocky movies. People seemed to respond very well to those, even into IV. Not so much with V though.

Yours Truly,
Steven Seighman

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Dear Clear Channel:
12.18.03

People have been talking about you quite a bit lately. I've heard that you've been trying to get a hold of me... maybe even start a relationship with me or something like that. I was flatterd, so I figured I'd start doing some reading...you know, in order to get to know you a little better.

I will try to write again soon when I have a better idea of what you are looking for in a person and what you have to offer a guy like me. But so far everything I have read has made me want to throw rocks at you.

Sincerely,

Josh Golden
Seattle WA

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Dear Adam:
11.24.03

Today, I am thankful for these ones:

- Coffee
- Mass transit
- BMX and Skateboarding
- Milemarker
- Slimfast
- Current Italian resident, Jenny Blythe
- Far away friends showing up in my Inbox

How you be?

-royc.

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Dear TNI:

11.23.03

This year I'm thankful for: cigarettes, the book called Boonville, the Crystal Skulls and other thoughts of things to come, news reports of dust storms shutting down all routes east and west through New Mexico, channel programming for TLC, the strong squeeze of my wife's arms, the life of the man at the record store who passed away - fucking cancer, noodles, the phone calls of my mother (believe it or not), the advice of my dad, the bullshit detector built into my brother.

Come on now, are things bad? Happy Holidays.

Blaine Madden
Murfreesboro TN

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DEAR TNI BOOKS:

11.14.03

Okay, so I come home from class the other night, right, and it's mad hot in my house, 'cause this house holds in heat even though my windows are all open and it's cool outside and all... Anyway, I go into my room to turn on the big occillating fan. It's Jenny's, so it's called "Jenny's Biggest Fan." So, I turn it on and sit down at my computer to check my email, right? With my back to it. Then I smell smoke and turn around and the fucking thing is on fire! Not only is it already hot as hell in my room, but the fan is on fire! And not only that, but it's blowing smoke everywhere! So, I jump up, barely remembering not to hit my head on my loft bed, and leap to turn off the fan. Now, with the fan off, my room is full of smoke. It's so hot in here and it smells of acrid, electrical fire smoke. So then I turn the fan back on to blow the smoke out and it's fine. Two seconds before, Jenny's Biggest Fan was a fucking flamethrower, now it's fine... It smells, but it works fine.

ME: "Do you keep my room cool at night?"
JENNY'S BIGGEST FAN: (shakes head)
ME: "Exactly..."

A few days later half of San Diego County was aflame. The fan still looks guilty...

Stay wet,
-royc.

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TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
11.0.03

Well I for one do not agree that things are so bad right now. As for me and my house, we are constantly filled with fun, fancy, and other tomfoolery.

But if you listen to all of the bitching... It's always "If you look outside your window right now and count to twenty, something will sicken you, I swear to it! And if you turn on your radio, your television, or visit the movie theaters, the result will be the same. You'll want to vomit on the sidewalk, I promise you! One look at this population of inactive brains and soiled denim will have you back on the boat, returning for the airplane hanger! Running! Get out! Go back! It's not what you've read about about in travel magazines!"

These people are losing their shit. To me, it looks good out there today. I'm totally serious.

Blaine Madden
Murfreesboro TN

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Dear Adam & TNI BOOKS:
6.25.03

Please mail me a bunch of those cool red TNI stickers and I'll pay you a ridiculously high price for them. Jack em up. I dig your company.

My son & I save all our junk mail, candy wrappers & boogers and stuff all of it in those prepaid postage envelopes that come inside junk mail. We're kind enough to switch the junk mail around so people don't get their own stuff back. Lately we've been drawing crazy pictures and adding all kinds of stickers, glitter glue, popsicle sticks, you know: collage shit, and mailing those as well.

Now my son is 4 and he thinks boobs are the funniest thing going. There's plenty of Visa and Better Homes & Gardens folks opening up some crazy pictures of boobs all over the world right now. Anyway, before I could stop him, my kid pops my TNI sticker on some paper and draws another big red boob with crayon next to it. I was pretty bummed but how could I resist having him write "Read TNI Books you Boobs"? Was there an alternative? I don't think so.

So I need some more, a bunch of them, because they serve as half a rack for my kid and teach him symmetry as he draws the second boob himself. And you get all the free advertising. I mean if you were working a sucky job placing orders all day for some bullshit credit card or long distance company and you opened an envelope that flashed a set of boobs and a 4-year old order to read TNI Books... enough said.

Keep a Good Thought:

Jon Sponaas
Muskegon MI